Listen to Keith and Patrick discuss this topic on the podcast here.

We’ve all had it happen. A nice Thanksgiving dinner takes a turn, when Uncle Ron starts unpacking his radical political beliefs like they are obvious facts, with which everyone at the table agrees. Of course, everyone does not. Everyone is uncomfortable. A bit agitated. Not sure how to respond. Until cousin Sandy, who is equally extreme in the opposite direction, finally breaks the ice by launching into a monologue on all of the reasons why Uncle Ron is misinformed.

But these moments aren’t reserved for Thanksgiving. They can happen in the office. Among friends. Between spouses. And for whatever reason, it feels almost impossible to have conversations on topics like politics, religion, and morality without stepping into a relational minefield.

This probably explains why most of us avoid these topics in polite talk. That’s fine. But the truth is that most of us would like to dialogue on these topics. We’d like to hear opposing views, and we’d like to explore our own.

The Bible Calls For Impossible Conversations

As followers of Jesus, we feel compelled to do this. If we genuinely believe that Jesus is “the way, the truth, and the life” (Jn. 14:6), then we will want to share him with anyone we love (atheist magician Penn Jillette agrees). In fact, genuine friendship requires this kind of open discourse, if it ever wants any hope of going deeper than weather, TV, clothes and sports.

Sadly, our culture is more polarized than ever. Our fear of offending others usually drives us online. We develop our perspectives on issues not by dialoguing with peers we trust, but by googling our questions and binging on articles in Facebook echo chamber. Sometimes we think we’re getting the “best” information online, from the “experts” of course. But we probably get an equal amount of clickbait by questionable sources. And perhaps most importantly, these conversations are one-sided, which makes our understanding one-dimensional. As Proverbs 18:17 warns, “In a lawsuit the first to speak seems right, until someone comes forward and cross-examines.” We need cross-examining conversation partners!

The Bible acknowledges the deep power of conversation. Proverbs 18:21 says, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Healthy conversation brings life. Unhealthy conversation brings death. And perhaps we can add a category: No conversation leaves you starving.

5 Tips on How to Have Impossible Conversations

So how can we navigate this new terrain of high polarity and easy offense? Below, you’ll find five tips on how to have impossible conversations. Beneath that, you’ll also see where we’ve turned this into quick checklist that you can screenshot and save to your phone. We recommend “favoriting” this photo for easy access and checking it before or during any future tough conversations in which you find yourself.

1. Keep your goal in sight: Friendship, not winning.

The goal of a debate is to win. The goal of a conversation is friendship and understanding. Remember, we want our conversation to give life. Don’t speak in a way or say things that needlessly harm a friendship. Lose the argument to keep the friend.

2. Check your anger levels before, during, and after a chat.

We live in the rage of outrage. The angriest person is often assumed to be right. But as Christians, we need to be aware of anger. Proverbs 29:11 says, “Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.” Brian studies agree: Anger shuts down your ability to think well and makes you foolish.

Worst yet, words said in anger often hurt relationships. If you’re too angry to talk, don’t talk. If you get angry while you’re talking, stop talking or change the subject. If you’re angry afterward, reflect on whether that came out during the chat.

3. Ask questions. Use few words.

“To answer before listening—that is folly and shame” (Prov. 18:13). View conversations as learning experiences. You get to learn what someone else thinks and why they think it. Ask questions to deepen your understanding and to help them see any holes in their own knowledge.

Francis Schaeffer, a famous Christian apologist, once said that if he had 60 minutes with someone, he would spend 55 minutes listening and five minutes talking. He understood Proverbs 20:5, “The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.” If you ever start to feel like you’re lecturing or teaching, stop.

4. Listen charitably.

Fight to interpret your friend’s words in the best, most convincing light possible (Prov. 21:28). Don’t take offense easily. Mocking and slander are sins (Prov. 10:18; 17:5). Speaking ignorantly and recklessly is unwise and destructive (Prov. 18:2; 29:20). This is simply obeying the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have done unto you.”

The easiest way to kill a conversation is assuming the worst about your conversation partner’s ideas. A great way to avoid this is by listening until you can state your conversation partner’s position as well or even better than they can. Remember, “Fools find no pleasure in understanding, but delight in airing their own opinions” (Prov. 18:2)

5. Speak patiently, honestly, and aptly.

You can never say everything. Rarely does a single conversation change someone’s opinion on a serious issue.But Proverbs 25:15 says, “Through patience, a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.” It’s best to figure out what values you and your partner share. Use those shared values to challenge your friend’s view—this is an apt word. Don’t be mean, but don’t be afraid to be honest. Talking in circles around your point can be confusing and off-putting.

Want a mobile, checklist version of these tips that you can quickly and easily access from your phone when you need it most?